Language in the Era of Tweeting and Texting
September 21, 2009
When it comes to online dating, punctuation and word choice can make all the difference. That’s the finding of a recent study conducted by OkCupid.com, an online dating service that currently attracts 3.3 million users. Using 500,000 first contact messages pooled from their site (with names stripped from the messages), the site founders analyzed specific words and phrases to see which led to further correspondence and which brought the “e-courting” to a screeching halt.
The report gives a voyeuristic glimpse of people’s private online social practices. In the process, it also serves as a miniature Idiot’s Guide to online dating. General trends from the report indicate that, in order to ensure a positive response to your digital flirtations, it’s important to be literate, casual, and not too forward. Avoid netspeak terms like “ur,” “ya,” and “wat,” the study says. The exceptions to the no-netspeak rule: terms that represent laughter, like “lol” and “haha.” Just like in the real world, a sense of humor counts.
Other first-contact faux pas include references to physical appearance (“You’re pretty” would be an awkward initial observation in the real world, and it’s downright creepy online), suggesting outside interaction, or offering personal contact information.
One surprising result is that confidence in men – deemed desirable by conventional wisdom – is less welcome online. For men, self-effacement garners more positive feedback, as does mitigating language like “kinda,” “probably,” and “pretty” (as in “pretty much,” not “you’re pretty”). Perhaps since the online dating scene is still relatively new and unfamiliar for most, overconfidence in men can come across as threatening to the objects of their digital affection.
While the study is both humanizing and entertaining, it’s also an insightful survey of how online interactions reposition language in our social interactions. Frankly speaking, your perfectly honed, flirtatious hair toss means nothing online – you’re dealing purely with an exchange of language and information. Since such text-only interactions don’t occur in real time, the exchange is less immediate. You are, thereby, afforded the opportunity for linguistic maneuverings. Yet, with the loss of body language, changes in tone, and the subtle differences in non-verbal expressions (Was that a forced “haha?” A genuine “haha?” A sarcastic “haha?”), there’s far more room for ambiguity, meaning there’s no option but to handle diction with care in a situation as delicate as internet courtship. To crank up the charm factor, online daters need to boost their grammatical know-how and cut out some of the b.s.
OkCupid brings forth an unusual example of how online interactions can actually counteract the rise of netspeak, which is often derided for “dumbing down” conversations in the same way the “newspeak” of Orwell’s 1984 neutralized emotionally charged speech. Ironically, the rise of netspeak and texting language and this new resistance to it could both be linked to the same source: a desire for brevity.
Whereas slang and acronyms like “how r u” and “gtg” make casual online chatting speedier, the communication surrounding online dating carries more emotional weight. The online dating protocol maintains the need for brevity, yet also requires a certain level of poetics, thus maximizing the importance of good word choice. Love did once upon a time inspire sonnets, so it’s no surprise that it’s now able to evoke a few properly placed apostrophes.
Yet, language alone may not be the sole influence on response rates in online dating. In commenting on the study, OkCupid’s CEO Sam Yagan wonders if the root of “good” first contact messages is simply that “interesting people have an easier time writing about their hobbies.” Which leads him to a new topic to investigate: “what will happen when boring people write about their (boring) hobbies?” It’s an unsettling prospect for online daters, to be sure. But it’s a scenario that might test the link between language and thought. Could it be that a person’s interests are only as boring as the language used to describe them?
Sources:
“Online Dating Advice: Exactly What To Say In A First Message”, oktrends;
“politically correct language: ‘The destruction of words is a beautiful thing’”, hubpages.com;
“Zombies Good, ‘God’ Bad When It Comes to Online Dating”, Wired;
“Online Dating Advice: Optimum Message Length”, oktrends.
Photo courtesy of: www.theliterarian.com.
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